Overheard on the Open Road
by Seijax
Summary: Skits and shorts about Luke and the gang as they journey to save Auldrant. Ridiculously Jade-centric because Seijax has a Dist-like obsession with deadpan snarkers. Mostly humor, very few spoilers.
1. Bad Hair Day

Title: Overheard on the Open Road

Rating: Rated T for some later chapters. Pertinent warnings will be placed on each chapter.

Summary: Skits and shorts about Luke and the gang as they journey to save Auldrant. Ridiculously Jade-centric because Seijax has a Dist-like obsession with deadpan snarkers. Mostly humor, very few spoilers.

Disclaimer: Tales of the Abyss and all associated properties belong to Namco.

* * *

_Bad Hair Day_

_Setting: early in the game, after Guy joins but before you catch up with Anise_

_Spoilers: First encounter with Largo on the Tartarus, though nothing for the main storyline_

* * *

Luke grumbled a little under his breath as he wrapped the straps around the sleeping mat for what had to be the eighteenth time.

"It's not that bad," Guy laughed, crouching down next to him to hold the bundle steady. "Didn't we always talk about going camping as soon as you were old enough to leave the mansion?"

"Yeah, well, it was a lot more fun talking about it than actually doing it," Luke complained. "A bed at the inn would have been a lot softer than the ground."

"But we would have had to backtrack," Guy said, adjusting one of Luke's straps so it lay more securely. "Come on, let's just enjoy the morning."

A soft cry of dismay caught both boys' attention. Tear was standing up, holding a small piece of wood in each hand, a slight frown on her face.

"What's wrong now?" Luke asked, folding his arms.

"Oh, it's nothing important. My travel comb broke...and my hair's a mess from sleeping on the ground. I don't suppose I could borrow yours, Luke?"

"Me? I don't have a comb," Luke rested his hands against his hips. "I didn't exactly pack for this little trip. Ask Guy."

"Sorry," Guy smiled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck, ready to jump behind Luke if Tear so much as made a step in his direction. "I didn't exactly bring my valet kit with me. I thought Luke might need a bodyguard, not a butler."

Tear sighed and tucked the two pieces of wood into her small pack. "I guess it can't be helped."

"Why don't you just use mine?" Jade, who had been checking the area map for the last few minutes, passed Tear a small silver-backed brush. "I promise it doesn't bite," the colonel added.

"Huh," Luke stared at the brush as Tear started working at the knots in her hair. "I didn't figure you'd have a hairbrush, Jade."

"Well, I am a colonel," Jade replied. "My position requires a certain neatness of appearance."

"What? No, that's not what I meant," Luke grimaced and folded his arms. "I just figured you'd have some kind of fonic arte or something that you'd use on your hair."

"My, my," the colonel shrugged. "That's quite impossible, Luke."

"I know. Fonic artes aren't supposed to be used like that."

"Oh, that's not it at all," Jade smirked, taking the brush back from Tear and stowing it away in some hidden uniform pocket. "It's just that an arte of that level requires very fine control of the third fonon, and I'm afraid that since Largo sealed my fon slots I'm not quite back up to that level. If you're all ready, we should keep moving."

Tear followed the colonel without a word, but Guy grabbed onto Luke's arm before they got moving again. "So, wait," Guy said, "is he saying he _normally_ uses a fonic arte to brush his hair?"

* * *

_AN: ... What? It was either this or Phoenix Wright, I had to do something._


	2. Sick Day (1)

_Sick Day (1)_

_Setting: After Luke's haircut_

_Spoilers: Luke and Asch's connection _

* * *

"Wait, Luke," Natalia grabbed Luke by the shoulder and balanced against him as she took one shoe off.

"Pick up a rock?" Luke asked with a touch of sympathy.

"Feels more like a boulder," she complained, shaking the offending debris out. "I think I've got a rip in these shoes."

"Well, you have been walking a lot more than you used to," Luke replied. He stumbled into the princess when someone latched onto him from the other side.

"Luke! Carry me!" Anise, both arms wrapped around his waist, peered up at him with a pitiful expression.

"Come on, Anise, it's too rocky for that," Luke complained, trying to push the girl away.

"But I'm tired!"

"We're all tired," Natalia retorted, standing back from Luke now that her shoe was back on. "It can't be that much farther to the next town."

"I'm gonna die!" Anise let go of Luke's waist and let herself collapse to the road. "I'm sick and near death and no one cares!" she wailed.

"Anise," Tear scolded, taking hold of the girl's arm to pull her up. "Come on, let's keep moving."

"Go on without me, I'll just die here."

Tear frowned and bent down. "You do look a little pale," she said. "When did you start feeling sick?"

Anise sniffed and leaned against Tear. "Maybe this morning?"

"Now, now, Anise," the colonel crouched next to her. "If you're feeling ill you should let me know. I'm sure I can diagnose your complaint.

Anise opened one eye to stare at Jade. "No," she said, pulling herself behind Tear. "You're going to do something weird to me, I just know it."

Jade sighed and shook his head. "Why would I do something weird to you?"

"I don't know," Anise peeked around Tear's leg. "You tell me."

The colonel had already pulled one long glove off and rested his bare hand against Anise's forehead. "Hmm...you do have a bit of a fever."

"See? I told you I was dying!" Anise let out a howl and pushed Tear aside to collapse against Jade, who seemed to take her outburst in stride. "I dedicate my body to science, Colonel. Use it to save some other beautiful young woman from death."

"Of course. I'll do as you ask as soon as I know what it is that's killing you so dramatically," Jade pushed Anise back to arm's length and pulled a small hand-held light out of his pocket. "Open wide."

"I didn't know you were so prepared, Colonel," Tear remarked as the older man examined Anise's throat.

"Oh, yes," Jade said. "A small light like this is an essential tool for autopsies, I never leave home without it."

There was silence for a few moments, except some whimpers from Anise as the colonel felt her neck and checked her ears.

"Y-you're joking, right?" Natalia asked.

"Of course I am," Jade replied. "I also use it for necropsies." He stood up and tucked his hands into his pockets. "Would you rather hear the good news or the bad news?"

"There's bad news?" Anise wailed and grabbed the hem of the colonel's coat.

"Of course. The good news is I know what's wrong with you."

"What is it? Some horrible plague?"

"A terrible virus, actually. There's no cure for it, and it will be present in your body until the day you die."

"What?!" Anise scrambled away against him, backing into Luke. She pulled at his coat hard enough to knock him to the ground and buried her face in his shoulder. "Nooo! I don't want to die!"

"Colonel?" Tear started hesitantly. "Are you sure? We haven't passed through any parts with diseases that serious."

"Of course I'm sure," Jade said, pushing his glasses up. "I couldn't mistake a case of the Cheagle Pox."

"Th-the Cheagle Pox?" Tear rubbed her forehead. "Is that all?"

"Jade!" Natalia stamped the ground in frustration. "You had us all scared for nothing!"

"Did I?" Jade shrugged. "Oh, I seem to have confused 'good' and 'bad' news again. Terribly sorry."

"Hey, wait, what are the Cheagle Pox?" Luke asked, still trying to detach Anise, who had decided Cheagle Pox were a case even worse than a case worse than death.

"It's just a common childhood illness," Guy replied, sitting down on Luke's other side. "Pretty much everyone catches them at some point. The good thing is you can't catch them again after that...I don't really know how it works, but Jade probably does."

"It's really only dangerous if an adult gets sick with them," Tear added. "Kids mostly just feel bad for a few days and maybe have some itchy spots, nothing too serious."

"I've never had them," Natalia announced. "Luke and I were both immunized when we were children. Father didn't want to risk either of us being scarred from such a simple disease."

"Wait, I was?"

"That was the summer before you were kidnapped," Guy explained. "Well...before Asch was kidnapped, I guess. But you should be all right."

"I wonder." Jade leaned back against a nearby rock. "Luke is Asch's replica. He's an exact genetic copy...that doesn't mean he's an exact medical copy. It could be interesting to see what happens."

Luke blinked at this idea. "You mean I might not be immune?" He looked down at Anise, who had all but wormed her way into his lap. "So I'm gonna get sick, too?"

Guy patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it, I'm sure you'll be fine. Cheagle Pox is only dangerous to _adults_."

"H-hey!" Luke tried to push the girl away but she clung to his jacket. "Come on...that's not fair! Somebody else take her!"

* * *

_If you're wondering, everyone's going to get a "sick day" chapter, but they're not all going to be connected._

_Grrr. I hate writing Anise._


End file.
